warning Labels

warning Labels

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a hairdryer : Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of sweets:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?)

On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a dessert: Do not turn upside down.
*printed on bottom of the box* (Too late! You lose!)

On a Pudding packet:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment. )

On packaging for an iron:Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On a sleep medicine:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space? Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On peanuts packet: Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open
packet, eat nuts.
(DDDUUUHHH)


On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Love Quotes

Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!
~ from the movie Moulin Rouge ~

---------------------------------

Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
~ by G. Moore ~

---------------------------------

I would fly you to the moon and back if you'll be . . . if you'll be my baby.
~ From a song by Savage Garden ~

---------------------------------

I love you - those three words have my life in them.
~ by Alexandrea to Nicholas III ~

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What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~ by Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

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I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd for my religion

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Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.
~ by John Keats ~

--------------------------

I'd like to run away
From you,
But if you didn't come
And find me ...
I would die.
~ by Shirley Bassey ~

------------------------------

When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.
~ by Elizabeth Bowen (1899-1973) ~

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The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is to love and be loved in return.
~ From "Unforgettable with Love" by Natalie Cole

--------------------------------

Soul meets soul on lover's lips.
~ by Percy Bysshe Shelly ~

-----------------------------

I have found men who didn't know how to kiss.
I've always found time to teach them.
~ by Mae West ~

-------------------------------

No man is truly married
until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
~ by Unknown ~

-------------------------

You will never know true happiness
until you have truly loved,
and you will never understand
what pain really is
until you have lost it.
~ by Anonymous ~

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To live is like to love -
all reason is against it,
and all healthy instinct for it.
~ by Samuel Butler, Life and love ~

---------------------------------

....A simple I love you means more than money....
~ by Frank Sinatra ~

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True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist,
Nor can it be hidden where it truly does.
~ by Anonymous ~

------------------------------------

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage...
~ by Ambrose Bierce ~

--------------------------------

To be in love is merely to be
In a state of perpetual anesthesia:
To mistake an ordinary young man for a Greek god
Or an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
~ by H.L. Mencken ~

--------------------------------

Life without love is like a tree
Without blossom and fruit.
~ by Khalil Gibra ~

--------------------------------

I love thee, I love but thee
With a love that shall not die
Till the sun grows cold
And the stars grow old.
~ by Willam Shakespeare ~

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Love is like war,
Easy to begin but hard to end.
~ by Anonymous ~

-----------------------------

Seduce my mind and you can have my body,
Find my soul and I'm yours forever.
~ by Anonymous ~

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So dear I love him that with him,
All deaths I could endure.
Without him, live no life.
~ by William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet ~

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Love is like a friendship caught on fire.
In the beginning a flame, very pretty,
Often hot and fierce,
But still only light and flickering.
As love grows older,
Our hearts mature
And our love becomes as coals,
Deep-burning and unquenchable.
~ by Bruce Lee ~

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I have loved to the point of madness;
That which is called madness,
That which to me,
Is the only sensible way to love.
~ by F. Sagan ~

--------------------------------

She walks in beauty,
Like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes.
~ by Byron ~

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Your voice makes me tremble inside
And your smile is an invitation
For my imagination to go wild.
~ by Anonymous ~

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One word frees us
Of all the weight and pain in life,
That word is Love
~ by Socrates ~

--------------------------------

I have learned not to worry about love;
But to honor its coming with all my heart.
~ by Alice Walker ~

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To love a person is to learn the song
That is in their heart,
And to sing it to them
When they have forgotten.
~ by Anonymous ~

--------------------------------

Did my heart love till now?
Forswear it sight,
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
~ Romeo, Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare ~

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The most precious possession that ever comes
To a man in this world
Is a woman's heart.
~ by Josiah G. Holland ~

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And think not you can
Direct the course of love,
For love,
If it finds you worthy,
Directs your course.
~ by Gibran Kahlil Gibran ~

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Love is a wonderful thing.
You never have to take it away
From one person to give it to another.
There's always more than enough to go around.
~ by Pamela de Roy ~

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Love asks me no questions,
And gives me endless support...
~ by William Shakespeare ~

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A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature
To stop speech when words become superfluous.
~ by Ingrid Bergman ~

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Love is like a rumor,
Everyone talks about it,
But no one truly knows.
~ by Anonymous ~

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Love is like swallowing hot chocolate
Before it has cooled off.
It takes you by surprise at first,
But keeps you warm for a long time.
~ by Anonymous ~

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My love for you is a journey;
Starting at forever,
And ending at never.
~ by Anonymous ~

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Love is a haunting melody
That I have never mastered
And I fear I never will.
~ by William S. Burroughs ~

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A fool in love makes no sense to me.
I only think you are a fool
If you do not love.
~ by Anonymous ~

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Once in awhile,
Right in the middle of an ordinary life,
Love gives us a fairy tale.
~ by Anonymous ~

----------------------------------

True poets don't write
Their thoughts with a pen...
They release the ink that flows
From within their heart.
~ by Anonymous ~

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The only things in life you regret,
Are the risks that you didn't take.
~ by Anonymous ~

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You love simply because you cannot help it.
~ by Kim Anderson ~

------------------------------------

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.
~ by Hubert Humprey ~

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Hearts are not to be had as a gift
earts are to be earned...
~ by William Butler Yeats ~

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True love doesn't have a happy ending:
True love doesn't have an ending.
~ by Anonymous ~

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You don't love a woman because she's beautiful,
She is beautiful because you love her.
~ by Anonymous ~

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Love is not a matter of counting the years...
But making the years count.
~ by Michelle St. Amand ~

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Only love let's us see normal things
In an extraordinary way.
~ by Anonymous ~

---------------------------------

A heart that loves is always young.
~ by A Greek Proverb ~

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To get the full value of joy
You must have someone to divide it with.
~ by Mark Twain ~

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Love doesn't sit there like a stone.
It has to be made like bread;
Remade all the time,
...Made new.
~ by Le Guin ~

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My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep;
The more I give to thee
The more I have,
For both are infinite.
~ by William Shakespeare ~

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Love is that condition in which
The happiness of another person
Is essential to your own.
~ by Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land ~

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I only wish to be the fountain of love
From which you drink,
Every drop promising eternal passion.
~ by Unknown Author ~

-----------------------------------

If I know what love is,
It is because of you.
~ by Herman Hesse ~

---------------------------------

You may only be one person to the world
But you may also be the world to one person.
~ by Anonymous ~

---------------------------------

A part of you has grown in me.
And so you see, it's you and me
Together forever and never apart,
Maybe in distance, but never in heart.
~ by Anonymous ~

--------------------------------

Age does not protect us from love,
But love to some extent protects us from age.
~ by Anonymous ~

---------------------------------

You can give without loving,
But you cannot love without giving.
~ by Amy Carmichael ~

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There are no guarantees.
From the viewpoint of fear,
None are strong enough.
From the viewpoint of love,
None are necessary.
~ by Anonymous ~

---------------------------------

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.
~ by Karen Sunde ~

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Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself
But if your love and must needs have desires,
Let these be your desires:

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To melt and be like a running brook

That sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart

And give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer

For the beloved in your heart

And a song of praise upon your lips.
~ by Gibran Kahlil Gibran ~

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Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it .. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
~ by The Holy Bible, New International Version Ephesians 5:25-33 ~

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Love doesn't make the world go round,
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
~ by Elizabeth Browning ~

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Love me without fear
Trust me without questioning
Need me without demanding
Want me without restrictions
Accept me without change
Desire me without inhibitions
For a love so free....
Will never fly away.
~ by Dick Sutphen ~

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Love is a burning desire,
That makes your heart light on fire,
Love is being with you,
Someone saying I love you too,
Love is your tender kiss,
Something you don't want to miss,
Love is you and me,
And that is all I see.
~ by Anonymous ~

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If I go away
What would still remain of me?
The ghost within your eyes?
The whisper in your sighs?
You see...Believe
And I'm always there.
~ by Jon Oliva ~

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The greatest weakness of most humans
Is their hesitancy to tell others,
How much they love them
While they're alive.
~ by O.A. Battista ~

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My love, you know you are my best friend.
You know that I'd do anything for you
And my love, let nothing come between us.
My love for you is strong and true.
~ by Sarah McLachlan ~

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I sought for Love
But Love ran away from me.
I sought my Soul
But my Soul I couldn't see.
Then I sought You,
And I found all three.
~ by Unknown Author ~

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The best feelings are those that
Have no words to describe them....
~ by Michelle Hammersley ~

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Let the world stop turning,
Let the sun stop burning,
Let them tell me love's not worth going through.
If it all falls apart,
I will know deep in my heart,
The only dream that mattered had come true
...In this life I was loved by you.
~ by Bette Midler ~

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We are all born for love...
it is the principle existence and it's only end.
~ by Disraeli ~

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We can only learn to love by loving.
~ by Iris Murdoch ~

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May no gift be too small to give,
nor too simple to receive,
which is wrapped in thoughtfulness
and tied with love.
~ by L.O. Baird ~

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Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness.
~ by Oliver Wendell Holmes ~

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The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
~ by Maulana Jalalu'ddin Rumi ~

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Love is a fruit in season at all times,
and within the reach of every hand.
~ by Mother Teresa ~

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Since love grows within you, so beauty grows.
For love is the beauty of the soul.
~ by St. Augustine ~

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What the heart gives away is never gone ...
It is kept in the hearts of others.
~ by Robin St. John ~

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The human heart, at whatever age,
opens to the heart that opens in return.
~ by Maria Edgeworth ~

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Accept the things
To which fate binds you and
Love the people with whom fate
Brings you together
But do so with all your heart.
~ by Marcus Aurelius ~

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Love, you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy.
~ by Ralph Connor ~

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Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
~ by Thomas Fuller ~

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The night has a thousand eyes, And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies, With the dying sun.
The mind has a thousand eyes, And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies, When love is done.
~ by Francis W. Bourdillon ~

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Paradise is always where love dwells.
~ by Jean Paul F. Richter ~

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True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.
~ Honore de Balzac ~

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The greatest tragedy of life is not that men perish,
but that they cease to love.
~ by W. Somerset Maugham ~

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Romantic love is a passionate spiritual-emotional-sexual attachment between a man and a woman that reflects a high regard for the value of each other's person.
~ by Nathaniel Branden ~

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Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.
~ by J. Isham ~

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
While loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~ by Lao Tzu ~

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Even though there may be times
It seems I'm far away
Never wonder where I am
'Cause I am always by your side.
~ by Celine Dion (The Power of Love) ~

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Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eye, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
~ by William Shakespeare ~

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A happy marriage has in it all the pleasures of friendships, all the enjoyment of sense and reason - and indeed all the sweets of life.
~ by Joseph Addison (The Spectator Magazine) ~

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Love does not die easily.
It is a living thing.
It thrives in the face
of all life's hazards,
save one--neglect.
~ by James Bryden ~

--------------------------------

Some pray to marry the man they love,
my prayer will somewhat vary:
I humbly pray to Heaven above
that I love the man I marry.
~ by Rose Stokes ~

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The most eloquent silence; that of two mouths meeting in a kiss.
~ by Unknown ~

------------------------------------

Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low.
~ by Henry Ward Beecher ~

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The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.
~ by Pearl S. Buck ~

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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
~ by 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ~

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All love that has not friendship for its base,
is like a mansion built upon the sand.
~ by Ella Wheeler Wilcox ~

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Love is the emblem of eternity: it confounds all notion of time: effaces all memory of a beginning, all fear of an end.
~ by Germaine De Stael ~

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Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.
~ by Samuel Lover ~

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The life and love we create is the life and love we live.
~ by Leo Buscaglia ~

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Love looks through a telescope; envy through a microscope.
~ by Josh Billings ~

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For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.
~ by Ivan Panin ~

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Love puts the fun in together,
The sad in apart,
The hope in tomorrow,
The joy in the heart.
~ by Anonymous ~

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A goal, a love and a dream give you total control over your body and your life.
~ by John Wayne Schlatter ~

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Opposites attract, but after marriage, opposites attack. Most of the time, we are attracted to people who don't have the things that we have. Incompatibility is why we get married, but it's also used as a reason to divorce.
Incompatibility is just a lack of communication. If we just try to love [our spouse] the way we want to be loved, we are in trouble. Unless you communicate, it's difficult to know how to love another person.
~ by Dr. Charles Lowery ~

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True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.
~ by Antoine De Saint-Exupery ~

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In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.
~ by Janos Arany ~

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Just because someone doesn't love you
in the way you want them to,
doesn't mean that they don't love you
with all they've got.
~ by Author unknown ~

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Love withers with predictability; its very essence is surprise and amazement. To make love a prisoner of the mundane is to take its passion and lose it forever.
~ by Leo Buscaglia ~

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Smile at each other, smile at your wife,
smile at your husband, smile at your children,
smile at each other--it doesn't matter who it is--
and that will help you to grow up in greater love
for each other.
~ by Mother Teresa ~

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A man falls in love through his eyes,
a woman through her ears.
~ by Woodrow Wyatt ~

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Love knows no reasons,
love knows no lies.
Love defies all reasons,
love has no eyes.
But love is not blind,
love sees but doesn't mind.
~ by Author unknown ~

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Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost,
sometimes unrecognized, but in the end,
always found with no regrets, forever valued
and kept treasured.
~ by Unknown ~

---------------------------------------

Sometimes we let affection,
go unspoken,
Sometimes we let our love
go unexpressed,
Sometimes we can't find words to tell
our feelings,
Especially towards those
we love the best.
~ by Author unknown ~

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The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvellous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.
~ by Sir Hugh Walpole ~

----------------------------------------------------

Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.
~ by Erich Fromm ~

-----------------------------------------

Think about it, there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is a wasted time
Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine.
~ by Steve Winwood ~

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Love does not consist in gazing at each other
but in looking together in the same direction.
~ by Antoine de Saint-Exupery ~

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You come to love not by finding the perfect person,
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
~ by Sam Keen ~

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Love is always bestowed as a gift --
freely, willingly, and without expectation....
We don't love to be loved; we love to love.
~ by Leo Buscaglia ~

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Love grows by giving. The love we give away is the only love we keep. The only way to retain love is to give it away.
~ by Elbert Hubbard ~

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The most powerful symptom of love is a tenderness which becomes at times almost insupportable.
~ by Victor Hugo ~

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Inside the heart of each and every one of us there is a longing to be understood by someone who really cares. When a person is understood, he or she can put up with almost anything in the world.
~ by Rev Ed Hird ~

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True happiness and a fullness of joy can be found only in the tender and intimate relationships of the family. However earnestly we may seek success and happiness outside the home through work, leisure activities, or large bank accounts, we will never be fully satisfied emotionally until we develop deep and loving relationships.
~ by James J. Jones Ph.D. ~

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The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart.
~ by Josiah G. Holland ~

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What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It's we who make it complicated.
~ by Leo Buscaglia ~

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Romantic love reaches out in little ways, showing attention and admiration. Romantic love remembers what pleases a woman, what excites her, and what surprises her. Its actions whisper: you are the most special person in my life.
~ by Charles Stanley ( A Man's Touch) ~

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From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
~ by Unknown ~

---------------------------------------------

It is the things in common
that make relationships enjoyable,
but it is the little differences
that make them interesting.
~ by Todd Ruthman ~

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Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself.
~ by Leo Buscaglia ~

-----------------------------------------

My heart to you is given:
Oh, do give yours to me;
We'll lock them up together,
And throw away the key.
~ by Frederick Saunders ~

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The heart is the place where we live our passions. It is frail and easily broken, but wonderfully resilient. There is no point in trying to deceive the heart. It depends upon our honesty for its survival.
~ by Leo Buscaglia (Born For Love) ~

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There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved.
~ by George Sand ~

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Love is an act of endless forgiveness
A tender look which becomes a habit.
~ by Peter Ustinov ~

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The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.
~ by Helen Keller ~

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The courses of true love never did run smooth.
~ by William Shakespeare ~

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But true love is a durable fire,
In the mind ever burning,
Never sick, never old, never dead,
From itself never turning.
~ by Sir Walter Raleigh ~

---------------------------------------------

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.
~ by Flavia Weedn ~

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Funny Alcohal Quotes

", madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
Winston Churchill

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"Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having."
Mitch Hedberg
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"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
-----------------------------
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
Mega Jones
----------------------------
"The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand!"
Danny Jansen
--------------------------
"Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol."
Anonymous
-----------------------------
"There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them."
Terry Pratchett
------------------------------------------
"Trumpets are a bit more adventurous; they're drunk! Trumpeters are generally drunk. It wets their whistle."
Paul McCartney
----------------------------------
"It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her."
W.C. Fields
-------------------------------------
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
Anonymous

---------------------------------
"I drink therefore I am."
W.C. Fields
--------------------------------
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
Henry Youngman
------------------------------
"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony."
Robert Benchley
------------------------------
"used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."
Laura Kightlinger
---------------------------------
"When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvellous personality that started you drinking in the first place."
Jimmy Breslin
-------------------------------
"Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working."
Harold Rudolph
--------------------------------------
"We drink and we die and continue to drink."
Dennis Leary
--------------------------------------------
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
Rodney Dangerfield
--------------------------------
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
--------------------------------
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra
----------------------------------
"A drunk mans words are a sober man's thoughts."
Steve Fergosi
------------------------------------
"But the greatest love--the love above all loves, Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another."
Irish love ballad
--------------------------------
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway
-----------------------------------
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
Henny Youngman
------------------------------------
"I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection."
Brian, Family Guy
-------------------------------------------------------
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Dean Martin
--------------------------
"A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.'"
Henny Youngman
--------------------------------
"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
George F. Burns
-------------------------------------------
"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober."
William Butler Yeats
---------------------------------
"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."
P.J. O'Rourke
-----------------------------------
Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.
More funny Herman Melville quotes
***

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No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
More funny Gilbert K. Chesterton quotes
***

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I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
More funny Dean Martin quotes
***

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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
More funny Dean Martin quotes
***

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There's nothing worse than an introspective drunk.
More funny Tom Sharpe quotes
***

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I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
More funny George Gobel quotes
***

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Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
More funny Ernest Hemingway quotes
***

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I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite.
More funny Bette Midler quotes

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?Evening news is where they begin with ?Good evening?, and then proceed to tell you why it isn?t.?

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?You know you?re old when the candles cost more than the cake.?

?If you aren?t part of the solution, you?re a precipitate .?

?A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.?

?Everyone loves a moose. Some just don?t know it.?

?Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.?

?By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.?
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Free Travel

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A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hangar at JFK New York. It?s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, ?Man, have you got anything to drink??
Beer Troubleshooting Chart

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SYMPTOM?FAULT?ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Drinking Codes

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
?Hey give me an ML.? The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
?I?d like a BL.? Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, ?Give me
a Fifteen.?

?A Fifteen?? the bartender replies, ?What the hell is that??

?Oh, you know,? the blonde says, ?A Seven and Seven.?
Drinking Buddies

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There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend?s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. ?Shawn,? said Pat, ?can you hear me?? Faintly, Shawn replied, ?Yes, Paddy, I can.? Bashfully, Pat started, ?Do you remember our pact, Shawn?? ?Yes, I do Patty,? Shawn strained. ?And, you?ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?? said Pat. ?Yes Patty, I do,? whispered Shawn. ?It?s a very ?old? bottle now, you know,? urged Pat. ?And what are you gettin? at Pat?? asked Shawn, briskly. ?Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first??
Pat And Mike

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Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat
?We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor?
Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave.?
Pat replied, ?I would be glad to do that for you my old friend.
But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first??
Arthritis

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McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
?Inebriated again!? declared the priest. ?Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??
?Father,? asked McCuen. ?What causes arthritis??
?I?ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis??
?I don?t,? slurred McCuen. ?The Bishop has it!?
Official Drinking Test

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This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
Wine with a Fly

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A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.
Temperance Lecture

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Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland?s top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, ?Now my friends, what does this tell us??

Jock piped up, ?If you drink whisky you?ll not be bothered by worms!?



First Offense

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The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
?Now don?t let me ever see your face again,? said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
?I?m afraid I can?t promise that, sir,? said the released man.
?And why not??
?Because I?m the barman at your regular pub!?
Three Brothers

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, ?what?ll you have??
The man says, ?Give me three pints of Guinness please.?

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they?re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, ?Sir, I know you like them cold. You don?t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I?ll bring you a fresh cold one.?
Irish Declare War On France

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The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

?Hallo, Mr. Chirac!? a heavily accented voice said. ?This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!?

?Well, Paddy,? Chirac replied, ?This is indeed important news! How big is your army??

?Right now,? says Paddy, after a moment?s calculation, ?there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!?
Smart Dog

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Tim O?Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water?s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Live Long

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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee bit late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

?Come have a look over here,? says Paddy, ?it?s Michael O?Grady?s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O?Gradys!?

?That?s nothing,? says Sean. ?Here?s one named Patrick O?Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O?Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!?
My Two Brothers

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, ?what?ll you have??
The man says, ?Give me three pints of Guinness please.?
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they?re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, ?Sir, I know you like them cold. You don?t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I?ll bring you a fresh cold one.?
One Wish

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Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat?s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, ?Make the entire ocean into beer!?
Driving Home Drunk

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. ?So,? says the cop to the driver, ?where have ya been?? ?Why, I?ve been to the pub of course,? slurs the drunk.

?Well,? says the cop, ?it looks like you?ve had quite a few to drink this evening.? ?I did all right,? the drunk says with a smile.

?Did you know,? says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, ?that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car??

?Oh, thank heavens,? sighs the drunk.
?For a minute there, I thought I?d gone deaf.?
Bad Bathroom Experience

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Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob?s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, ?Ah, OK, sure, I?ll help you.?

The man asks, ?Can you unzip my zipper?? Bob says, ?OK.?

Then the man says, ?Can you pull it out for me?? Bob replies, ?Uh, yeah, OK.?

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Staggering Drunk

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Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside. A Guinness bottle in a back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to scream out loud, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see what damage he?d done.

Bleeding from several cuts, he somehow managed to find a first aid kit and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way into bed.

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Drinking Politics

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A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, ?You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached.?

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. ?Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!?

?Listen, I?m the customer, so I?m always right.? the man says. ?That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down.?

?That tears it,? the bartender says, ?How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do??

?Well, you?d be the customer, so you?d be right,? the man says.

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Abducted

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Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

?Ted, you look awful. What?s wrong?? Harry asks.

Ted says, ?Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien??

Everyone is shocked. ?I heard about this kind of thing happening!? Bills says. ?What did the alien do to you??

?I don?t remeber all the details,? Ted says. ?All I remember is being anally probed by the alien.?

Everyone is horrified. ?I heard that they?ll do that!? Steve says. ?What did the alien look like??

Ted responds, ?Carl.?
Nun in the Bathroom

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A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ?May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ?OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.? Well, in that case I?ll just look the other way,? said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, ?Sir, I don?t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom??

?Well, now they know you?re one of us,? said the bartender, ?Would you like a drink?? But, I still don?t understand,? said the puzzled nun.

?You see,? laughed the bartender, ?every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink??
Lost at Sea

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Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the two frat guys and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, ?I wish the ocean was made of beer.? Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, ?Way to go asshole! Now we have to piss in the boat!?
Drinks for Jesus

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An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. ?Hey,? he says, looking down the bar, ?is that Jesus down there?? The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

A redneck swaggers in and hollers, ?Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey?is that God?s Boy down there?? The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, ?For your kindness, you are healed!? The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, ?For your kindness, you are healed!? The Italian?s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the redneck yells, ?Don?t touch me! I?m drawing disability!?Yes

Funny Marriage Quotes

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.



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My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled, "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."



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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.



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Honolulu ? it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.


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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.



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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish...



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Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.



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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.


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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."



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After an acquaintance of ten minutes, many women will exchange confidences that a man would not reveal to a lifelong friend.



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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.



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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henry Youngman



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"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go." Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic...


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An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie



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Women like silent men, they think they're listening.



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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I

go Fridays."


Henry Youngman.

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If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him... is he still wrong?



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I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


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I fell in love at first sight? I should have looked twice.



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Before marriage a man yearns for a woman after marriage the ?y? is silent .



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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.

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By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you?ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you?ll become a philosopher

. Socrates